Quixotic!

update two thousand eight!

currently single baby, aw yeah!! broke up with mike some time ago, like, a over a month ago. he was stifling me, wanted too much of me too much of the time. wanted something more serious then i wanted. blargh i am not ready to give that to anyone.

soem mega advances at work as well, got promoted to assistant manager, buyer, and visuals manager.  traveled to vegas, bought a bunch of shoes!! loved it! it was my first flight ever, and man was i stoked! I LOVE VEGAS. new orleans can bite my ass. VEGAS!

get to go to london for LENY in september, right afte ri get back from vegas in august. yay!!

i never post here! rawr!

myspace gets all my bitchin.

quick update, however. life is great, im happy, things are going well. started dating mikey (www.myspace.com/mikeskull) in (he says) november. but I say it was oct, since on the 13th was our first date. which, he would probably argue, but dinner and a concert followed by a walk in the city at midnight-- along the river and thru fountains-- counts as a pretty badass date in MY book. he even romanced me with tales of a steamboat pleasure cruise that capsized on the spot we were standing because there were too many people dancing on deck. i believe 2,000 people died. It's the largest maritime disaster in the history of the us, or some other such shocking fact.

well anyway, ive known him since november '06 and funny how things can change, huh? i always used to go to mike to complain about relationship crap with whoever i was dating at the time, haha!

i sure love me some deathrockers.  <3

oh ya, he brought me roses  last night.  <3<3<3

im single. fix it. im sick of it, and im awesome, and damnit-- theres just no reason why someone as totally fuckin awesome should go to waste, i have TONS OF LOVE TO GIIIIIIIIVE, DAMNIT!!! step right up, and be my boyfriend! GOD HELP ME!

seriously

bleep blip boop! boop bleep bip bip. beep Beep BEEP!

i'm back. i love the lolita but i think it may have softened me up too much. i think i need to re-enlist in the Skynet Army. I've decided to turn back to my first love and bring about some destruction!

Set ray guns to KILL, it's time for some dancefloor warfare!!

End Transmission....

stan is very sad. i want to help him.

hes been very upset with what he thinks is the fact that his life doesnt matter. i had read denises post to her mom, and I wa sreall yinspired by it. it opened up my eyes about the things the really matter to me, and my timeline on this earth. it made such a difference to ME, that i thought maybe stan would benefit too. so i showed it to him, even though i was wary becuse its about being in college, something he desperatly wants. DENISE please dont get mad at him for being bitchy, hes just so sad right now, hes not being himself. (we all know i am NOTORIOUSLY BAD at cheering people up.) after he read it he wrote me this letter:

"i know what you were trying to do but all it did was make me realize i really am wasting time money and my life. i have a year (if that )of college to show for my self. i have no career, i have no future, i dont understand why you dont understand why im so upset i mean i have nothing going for me ariel. i do all of these crazy things all these wonderful things for what for nothing. Because thats what my life is right now, and i dont even know how to get up after ive been pushed so far back. yeah fucking awesome im so smart in this or that but it add up to my empire of shit. just toys and squiggles i have nothing to show for my life.


holy fucking christ how nice it would be to be able to bitch about taking my time to get a second degree... fucking awesome"

then he wrote this later:

"thanks for everything though, im sorry that im not happy, and thanks for what you were trying to do anyway. but she HAS someplace to go, theres a major difference there. i really need to pick up my laundry today so ill stop by sometime though i dont know when becasue i really have like NO money at all for even gas.. (ill prolly end up paying in all quarters.)"

so i wrote tHIS, but i havent sent it yet. is it too mean? please tell me.

"i dont understand why having these things will make you feel important in the rest of the world. i dont understand why you need to accomplish these things to feel like you matter. for what? having a "carreer" will do what for you? make you money? and what will you do with it? the same things you do now, but on a grander scale. is that what you want? more stuff? will that make you feel better? ok, so you then you have more money. then you can buy a house. its great and all, dont get me wrong, but what will that do either? i guess i was raised on simpler ideals, my family has only ever owned property in chicago, and then the house my grandmother bought up here was taken away from her by the realitor. my family has only ever rented. apparently i dont know how great it is to own a house to back your name up. its not the end all be all Stan. what i was trying to say was that why the fuck does it matter what you're "supposed " to have? what youre "supposed" to be aiming for? maybe certain people really do need these things to make their life matter, but its never bothered me. i mean sure! i'd LOVE to be in school, id LOVE to own a house. but what good would it do me? the things i'd want to be in school for dont matter to anyone. WHOOPEE!! id have a degree that says i can draw. i already KNOW that. and i cant honestly think of a job i would want that that would make a differance in. oooh, i could be a vet, at a zoo even! i couldnt stand to see the animals in pain, even if i could fix it. i tried that. i cant do that either. i could be a stylist! except touching other peoples hair is disgusting, and theres no way in HELL i could complete the pedicure part of class. Fashion design? i already did that. i didnt like it. i seriously cannot think of a job that i would want that schooling can provide for me. it would be GREAT to make more money. awesome. but in the meantime i have to spend all the money i dont even have to get that peice of paper. this is why i dont understand. my goal in life is not to be famous, it isnt to be a millionaire, it isnt having a degree that says im particulariy good at something. all i want is that when im getting up there in years, i have a small little plot of land, with an old house, and room for me to build all the out buildings with my bare hands. they'll be beautiful and unique and when you come to my land you'll think youre in another counrty. i'll have 6 chickens and 3 goats, and raise as many peacocks as will hatch. why? beacuse this is all i need to make me happy. i'll draw, ill paint, ill sculpt and sew. ill fill my house with the beauty i create. ill eat the food i grew myself. i'll treaure the gifts my animals give me, and ill be happily ever after. my happiness is simple, and i dont need those things to measure my self worth. you dont either stan. so you arent happy. then FIX it! instead of being so bummed out, why dont you do something, anything that can set you in the direction you want to go? you want to go to school? then GO to the school , and pick up a class listing, and pick up the finacial aid papers, and talk to the counselerors and whoever else you'll need to talk to, talk to somone there and figure out what it is that YOU need to do to put yourself in that place! because ultimatley it comes down to that, doesnt it. everything you WANT can be accomplished by going to school. SO DO IT STAN. go to school, educate yourself, get your degree, get your carreer, make your money, buy yourself your house, and there. you'll have bought your happiness. if its that easy, then lets get you started. what school do you want to go to? lets go there and get you some forms. you need to take some entrance exams or something? i dont know what all you need to do to get in, but i dont see why we cant sign you up to take them. its not as hard as you make it out to be stan. my parents have NO money. NONE. they dont even have the money to pay their rent, stan. and yet soemhow, they're putting my little brother thru college. if THEY can do it, you can do it. baby, if its so simple, let me help you get there! when i have some free time this week, ILL go get you forms and whatnot. what do you want to do? where do you want to go? i'll help you get there as much as i can. lets stop having you be miserable and lets do something about it, ok? i love you Stan, and i just want you to be happy. i'm not trying to be mean, i just think you need to hear this. i just think you need a kick in the pants. if youre worrie dabout paying all the bills at the plac eyoure at now, then take the exams and get signed up for the next semaster that starts when your lease ends. get an efficincy. have a part time, and pay for just YOU for awhile while you put yourself thru college! i can and will help you ANYTIME, ANYWAY that i can. and as far as your laundry, no problem ! i close tonight, but you have a key, and i'll leave ten bucks in your hamper for you for gas, ok? dont worry about it. let me help you. its ok! i love you, remember?"

ill have to update this later to provide all the right links and stuff....

www.necoro.com japanese cat robot.

for more info:
http://www.plyojump.com/qrio.html

in the flesh!!!

today is my 25th berfday! go me! yay

plinka, plinka! last concert. whatta flash, huh? it was blacker than the devils bunghole in there.

i want to help him, but i dont know what to do! he is so sad....i never know the things to say, or when to say them...i just want him to be happy....

i can never express myself and then i feel selfish for thinking about me when i need to make him understand everything is ok...

i feel like i've recently discovered i am selfish. i stand back and take a look at myself...am i self absorbed? i never thought that before....but no one ever wanted to get involved with me...did i train myself this way? i dont want to be that way!

why do i have such a hard time consoling people? is it because i'm so uncomfortable with myself?

i went online and looked up how to make someone feel better about themselves...it didnt help. i think i'll need to buy a self help book, and then after i read it i may be armed a little better to help him cope, to make him see how wonderful he is, how beautiful he is....

i wish i knew how to help him. i want to be the one that makes him happy...

he said:

Wanted:
Current mood: worky


I guess i never really thought about it... but im totally lonely. Im a mad scientist always experimenting and creating quite dubious theories. always tinkering away at my lab of sorts.

and all i want is a real friend. someone who i can talk to about anything without reservation, or ultra analytic lenses. i want someone who isnt a ass. who isnt a liar, who isnt a thief, who isnt too self absorbed. someone who can stand on their own. someone i can say hey let each save up 3 grand and take an awesome vacation. someone i can lose myself in with my work. someone whos as active as my mind is. i want this becasue this is not what i have. i want a friend i can call up thell be over and well be mixing music. witin minutes i want someone i can talk to all night about books ive read or perhaps synchronicity. i want someone to call me at 4 am or 2 pm telling me about their crazy ideas for what they wanna do with this thing. so if you know anyone. send em my way.



thanx in advance
-------------

i said:

maybe you can loan me some of your books for me to read and then we can discuss them. i know some of them i've never even heard of, but i would like to learn.

i want to be able to be there for you in all types of ways but if you dont tell me what youre missing how can i know?

when you say lose yourself in your work, do you mean...? we always talk about doing so much, about making stencils and making art, making music...but when i come over nothing happens. either we cuddle or get lost in games or youre too tired and need your sleep or we jst forget all together. i still want to do all of this with you. i can make time for it.

are there alot of things you feel you cant talk to me about? i'm sorry i analayze. i always have since i was little. kept me out of trouble and from being hurt. plus, its in my zodiac sign, and im sorry if its lame but i do beleive in that stuff.

am i too self absorbed? i know about clothes i am, but i went to fashion design school for crying out loud, and if you read my senior yearbook it said i woul dgo on to open my own clothing store...

and i though we were going to save up 2 grand and go to japan in february? is that not happening?

as far as active mind...well i do feel stupid all the time, so maybe theres some truth to it. i definatley feel that you are way smarter than me, that im kind like a dumb pet in the brain department. i might have a hard time understanding your books, but i will try, and i'll ask you to explain what i dont understand. you have such a way with helping me to understand. then why am i so confused right now?

do i have anything you want?

you know i cant be there within minutes. i am wanting to learn how to drive, but if i have no teacher it makes it harder. but i am making time with tracie for her to conitnue teaching me, and my dad and i looked a tcars for me, so hopefully by winter time this will be an option.

speakng of sychronicity...did you forget all the circles we've danced around each other in? how can i feel so close and you you feel so far? do you feel far?

why dont you talk to me when you're sad? i amit im not the best at cheering people up, but i can do funny dances pretty good...

i thought i did call you up at all hours telling you my crazy ideas. but your always too busy at work or playing video games or talking to someone else in the background. do i babble? do i have anyhting you want to hear about?

this isnt a pity letter. this isnt me saying i suck. this is me really wondering whats going on up there. you say i overreact but if this is how empty you feel, what good am i? what am i here for?
------------------

i didnt send it to him becaus ei have the feeling it would just irritate him. why do i throw myself in head over heels, i would do anything....

why is that so hard to find mirrored?

yay!! i had to 'print screen' and save these in paint to get them. sneaky....

i miss you zer0-g!! whats the name of the rotersand album? im requesting it for the mp3 player at work.

i found some neet icons you may like, some of them i couldn't nab at this computer, but if you like them, i will get them for you.



(this one i thought i'd draw into you, and upgrade the graphics a tad)









these, i just thought you would enjoy. i can make them icons if you like.





argh!! im tired of looking. my contacts are getting all sticky and stuffs. i need BED!! and tacos. i'll post some better ones later.

well today i have to clean stans room, which is my room too essentially. we made a big mess of the bed and there are clothes everywhere on the floor. so, it'll be easy to clean.

then i have to go start bleaching my hair, aso we'lll see how it turns out. i'll try to take some fotos with the web cam, but that might not be that easy.

so i'm listening to Radio Ghoul School on shoutcast radio. i love this station! its deathrock, off course.my other favourite station is Hypefm, which is throbbinghardcore gabber. I FUCKING LOVE IT.

word! i'll update when some more stuff happens.

oh AND heather!! i work tomarrow at hot topic #64, west town mall, madison from 9-7. i'm opening! SO if you come into town befor then i can give you they keys if you come to the mall. you can call stans fone to get ahold of me (309-242-7667) or hot topic tomarrow (608-827-6111)

And when Winter comes around
You'll need your winter shoes.
But if winter's still about
To get too cold for you,
You'll need someone to keep you warm...

Someone to help you through the storm¦
Someone who's good...
Doing no harm...
...and he'll say...

...I care for you... I'm there
... I'm there for you...I care...

And when the time is right
You'll wear your wedding shoes.
And if this life still seems to be
Not quite enough for you,
You'll find someone to help you out...
Someone to miss and dream about
That being in love...
Is doing no harm...
...and he'll say...

...I care for you... I'm there
I'm there for you... I care...

oh my goodness this song is so tender! the music to it is wonderful. oh, Stashu! i cried on the bus listening to it. i thought of you.... i didnt tell you because i felt silly....

well heather tagged me so:

List 5 things you do when alone that relax you completely;
then tag 5 people and have them post their five things in their journal.

1. hiking in the forest, reflecting in the green.

2. sitting in sandstone caves, smelling the wet earth.

3. digging in a stream, picking up crayfish just to say i caught them, then letting them go. noting their size.

4. arranging my altar, then gazing at it's finished glories!

5. climbing in a tree to take a nap/chillin in a hammock when a thunderstorm is on the way--watching the clouds roll in, relishing the cool breeze when its been so hot and muggy....

eric killed my fish by buring them alive in their gravel. it was so important to dump the tank that he couldnt wait the 5 hours till id be home to do it.

i told him he WILL be replacing them. doe she not realize the scope of wwhat he did? HE KILLED MY PETS. FUCKING KILLED THEM. HELLO?!?!?!?!??! he killed them!!!!

i'm nopt doin so hot right now. not feeling so good. pretty sad. i want to cry my brains out but theres no where for me to do it at.

stan helps me so much....

i just want to lose it.....

im sad....


really


sad.....

I AM THE NEW ASSISANT MANAGER AT HOT TOPIC WEST, BITCHES!!! #64, DISTRICT 40, ZONE 4. Fuck you ho's!! hell yeah!!! today was my first day and it went smooth as laxatives....

i love stan and he loves me!! ha ha, i just HAD to mention him, tee hee!

well....bad news. Stashu drove me all the way to milwuakee, and then we got lost because of all the stupid construction that i forgot about and mapquests wonderful ability to make up streets.

SO we never made it to the courthouse.

AND we got lost in the stupid city for an hour, and had to call susan to mapquest our asses out of town.

this wouldnt be so bad except for the fact that now the dickhole got a default judgement, which means that i have an eviction on my record now so renting ios going to be impossible. and its retarded becasue i moved out over a month ago, so how can he evict me?!?!

needless to say, i'll be appealing since he never even attemped to serve me. christ.

and when we were leaving town, we PASSED THE MOTHERFUCKIN courthouse while we were looking at the museum. GAR!!

thank god i have Stash to balance me out man, or i'd really be feeling shitty right now. damn.

my boyfriend...so adorable....

i gots court today, suck it!! fuck dat shit, homie! my stomach is a big ball of nerves... Stashu is PASSED out. his baby chicky hair is so foofy when he sleeps, i love it!!

hes wonderful...

*sigh*

i should know in a few days if im the new assistant manager or key holder at snot rocket. pray for me everybody!!!

i like that mi amour and i wear the same size pants, yay!!! fashion!!

robert keeps poopin by thier door tho, thats no good.

goin to shitferno tonight i better put on my makeup[ and have a drink, woot!!